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I figured since it is the start of a new year and so many people begin to evaluate their life & especially their weight, it might be a good idea to lend some thoughts to someone whom we care about that struggles with their weight. In many cases there is somebody within our close knit circle of family or friends that we care a lot about and wish they would take better care of themselves. And while we love that person we feel concerned and helpless about how to handle their overweight state. Some worry about their spouse. Others worry about one or both of their parents. Or you may be a parent concerned about the welfare of your child. Regardless of which category you find yourself in the underlying question looms like a giant white elephant in the proverbial China shop. It's there, big as life, everyone can see it, but no one wants to talk about it. This leaves the concerned party, YOU, wondering what the best way is to help the other person. So this month I thought it might be a good idea to try to bag the elephant and hunt down some creative ways to help those of you that want to help people that probably don't want your help. I also figured the best way to do that would be to lay this out in a question and answer format. Not a day goes by that someone doesn't ask me questions like the following;
Q). I'm in great shape and know the value of eating right and exercising. But my boyfriend has gained 30 pounds and is moving in with me. He wasn't heavy when we met and I have made it my goal to help him lose the weight. He says that he wants to lose his weight, but I often catch him sneaking food and eating things he shouldn't. How can I motivate him?
A). Okay there's a few issues here you have to think about before you get started. For one, does he really want your help or are you projecting that onto him? In other words, he has to want this for himself. He'll never be successful if he does this "for you" or "so that you'll accept him." What is interesting here is that you have been working out and eating right during your relationship. Yet, at the same time he has gained 30 pounds. Does he hope that by moving in with you that your habits will rub off on him and he'll change? That's a bad plan from the get go. Let me explain why. When everything is new in a relationship we are willing to adjust our schedules and make concessions in almost every area of our lives so we can spend time with the other person. But we can't keep that up forever. At some point we have to get back to our normal routines. So if you plan on doing all of the cooking and packing his food for him everyday are you sure you can keep that up indefinitely? If you quit doing your normal exercise routine in order to take him to the gym are you willing to do that forever? Maybe the best approach is to sit down and ask him if he wants your help and if so what does he expect you to do for him? If he wants you to do all of the work then you might grow to resent it. If you get mad at him you may stop doing those things that were helping him and he may grow to resent it. Then he'll gain the weight back "just to show you." So what you have to do is figure out in what capacity you can help and how far you're willing to go. Then when you two sit down to figure this out you'll have your "non-negotiables" in place and avoid making commitments you can't live up to. Non-negotiables are the things you simply can't budge on or won't do. For example, it's not negotiable when I live with someone that I have to work, do the cleaning and all the cooking. Since I would never expect anyone to do all the work for me, how can I be expected to do all the work for them? We need to share equally in those areas and help each other out.
If you want to motivate him you have to make sure you don't become the food Nazi. So don't start pointing out what he's doing wrong. Instead point out what he's doing right. In other words, to encourage somebody to do well it's important that you don't point out the fact that they ate a candy bar. Instead let them know how proud you are of them. When they ask why, let them know that you noticed how many less candy bars they have been eating since they started their new lifestyle of healthy eating habits. Maybe you can point out the fact that in the past they used to buy a bag of candy every week but now they buy one candy bar at a time and eat far fewer of them than they used to. When he mentions how badly he did over the holidays point out the fact that in past holidays he usually gained 10 pounds. Yet with his new changes point out to him that whatever he's been doing must really be working because this year he's only gained 2 pounds instead of 10. Point out that the small changes to his exercise and eating must really be working because he's mitigated the normal amount of weight that he usually gains. If he mentions that he's frustrated because he didn't lose weight this week, instead of pointing out all the reasons why he didn't (like chowing down on that 10 pound bag of pork rinds) ask him if he can think of anything he did differently from the previous weeks. Allow him to figure out what he changed and agree that if he goes back to doing what he was doing the weight should start to go down.
Q) My 10 year old son has a weight problem, what's the best way to help him lose weight?
A) This applies to boys as well as girls. Parents, just because your child may be slightly heavier as a child doesn't mean they will become overweight adults. So don't panic. However if you start nagging them about every morsel of food that passes their lips then you can bet your house that they will become overweight adults. In addition, they will still be talking about you in therapy 30 years from now. Younger kids have body shapes that take time to grow out of. If you feed them healthy foods and keep them active then as their hormones kick in they will almost always grow into their weight. When a child is brought into a weight loss clinic and is forced to talk about their weight and food, most children will think something is wrong with them. Kids don't need diet pills, calorie counting and frequent weigh inn's. In fact, kids don't need to be counseled at all. The simple truth is that you and your spouse need to come in to see a qualified nutritionist and be counseled on how to adjust the family's cooking and shopping. Your child doesn't shop for foods and hopefully their not cooking either. So it's up to the parents to get educated on simple ways to improve the family's dietary habits so that your child doesn't know anything different is going on. Start here first and don't even bother discussing anything with your child. We'll show you how to bring in Better Bad Choices so that the entire family is still eating normally yet eating far fewer calories. We'll provide you with all new recipes that taste exactly like the old ones but without all the fat and excessive calories. Small changes yield huge results over the course of time. Evaluate the things that you are serving your family which are adding to the problem and simply make a course correction. Instead of buying a big bag of chips, switch to the 100 calorie snack packs. Rather than serving red meat 5 times a week, serve it 2 times and start buying the lower fat cuts. For example, extra lean top round and eye of round are two of the leanest cuts of red meat. Notice I didn't say that you should cut out the red meat but rather I'm asking that you cut back on the number of times your family eats it. In addition, I'm recommending that when you do serve red meat you now serve a leaner cut. With those simple adjustments your child won't notice any changes yet be eating better at the same time. This way the entire family's eating has improved. And while you may have one thin kid in the family, don't think it is okay to feed him junk. Thin kids need nourishing food too and most likely so do parents!
Don't just stop there. Make these types of changes across the board. Instead of high fat premium ice cream switch to a light version. If you were bringing home a high fat ice cream that contained 1120 calories in 2 cups and now substituted a light version that contains 400 calories in 2 cups your child would still be eating like they always did without noticing that their really cutting back on their caloric intake. In other words, the entire family begins getting healthy and as your child grows taller they will naturally grow into their weight.
Q) Both my parents are severely overweight. I want to see them enjoy life and remain healthy so they can play with my kids one day. What can I do to help them be more motivated to get healthy?
A). If your parents are overweight and they haven't asked for your help chances are pretty good that they don't feel like they need to change. In a case like this, we offer gift certificates that you can purchase and give to them and then leave the rest to us. We'll figure out if they are serious or not. If they are, they'll take the message from us better than they will from their kids. Also, during the session we'll be able to impart information that will increase their awareness of food. It's far better to allow someone else to lend a hand that has a lot of experience in counseling and the process of self change. All too often people get incomplete information by reading a book or by getting tidbits of dietary advice from magazines. In most cases it won't work well because it's not tailored to them, their lifestyle and their individual likes and dislikes. I know you love your parents, but a better way to help them is to have them over and cook great tasting low fat foods so they can begin to discover that they don't have to eat cardboard to be fit and healthy. As they continue to eat those kinds of meals at your house just mention that the meal was healthy and low in fat. Give them the recipe and slowly lead them by example. If you and your husband have recently lost weight and kept it off eventually if they are frustrated over their own situation they'll come to you to ask how you did it. Then you have the perfect opportunity to give them a gift certificate or open the channels of communication about what you do and how you do it.
Q). When I married my husband he was athletic and always worked out. He now weighs close to 300 pounds and honestly I'm not attracted to him anymore. I love him, but I never would have married him if he weighed that much when we first met.
What should I do?
A). I'll bet you thought I was going to come up with some really powerful and meaningful stuff here, didn't you? I wouldn't touch this question with a 10 foot cattle prod folks. The problem with this question is that it requires a multi-pronged approach and simply put, there isn't an answer that could fit on 30 pages of paper. For starters, this problem requires professional couples counseling. Secondly, it requires a complete medical evaluation for the overweight person to rule out any internal situations that could be contributing. Finally, from a nutritionist's viewpoint we would want to make sure the other person really wants to lose weight and that you're willing to come to the visits for support. Hopefully you can see the pattern between all the above questions and the answers provided. In each case it requires each person to take responsibility for their part in the problem. In the case of the overweight child the parents have to come to terms with the fact that they do the cooking and shopping. Therefore their child doesn't have the problem, they do. Once they can see what their role should be they have some choices to make. In the case of the girlfriend & boyfriend moving in together, she has to come to terms with the fact that she needs to row her own boat and so does he. The parents have to take the responsibility to change and it's not the child's responsibility to change the parents. Your husband already knows he has a weight problem. Chances are good that he also knows it bothers you. If he isn't willing to change that then you have some decisions to make. In essence it boils down to each of us assuming responsibility for ourselves.
There are some common things that successful people do to lose weight. Just like there are common things people do to gain weight. Successful people tend to make lifestyle changes that they know they can do for life. They don't quit eating all of their favorite foods. They simply adjust the frequency that they eat them. So here's a guideline for what makes people successful. If you want to really help another person change then these are the areas to focus on. Pick one step and help that person implement it. Once one change has become easy and a part of their everyday life, then help them change another strategy
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1). They must be food carriers. In other words, they cook more of their own foods and carry them to work or school.
2). They should set up an exercise plan doing something they would enjoy 4-5 times a week.
3). When they order out in restaurants they request lighter meals by removing sauces, butters and oils. They eat less fried foods and become aware of how much calories and fat are stuffed in restaurant meals. (Go to www.eatingmanagement.com and click on the restaurant guide on our home page.)
4). They drink far less alcohol. |
